CHICAGO, IL.—Cleveland Indians left fielder Johnny Damon was removed from Wednesday night’s game against the team’s division rival, prematurely ending his 2012 debut.
Damon, who was replaced by Shelley Duncan in the bottom of the sixth inning after going 0 for 3 with a walk, left due to “general cramping.”
According to the 38-year-old, a nationally known fast food chain may be the reason for the discomfort.
“I stopped at Taco Bell before the game,” he explained. “It probably wasn’t the best move looking back. But, damn, that shit hurts so good.”
Damon, who admittedly needs to cut back on that “greasy goodness,” squelched his pregame hunger with two Doritos Locos Tacos, one chicken quesadilla (with extra jalapeño sauce), one Volcano Burrito, one Cruchwrap Supreme, a side of “some of the best freakin’ rice around,” and a small Diet Pepsi.
Asked if his new outfielder’s diet will be problematic going forward, Cleveland manager Manny Acta replied, “Nah, he’s a professional. We’ll just have to make sure the bathroom’s clear for him before every game.”
Damon looks to return to action tonight.
This is a satirical news story. I know it’s probably unnecessary to state this given the content. But you never know. You. Just. Never. Know.
For attempted humor, snarky comments, and baseball updates follow the site on Twitter, @ReleasePoints.
For more satire check out the archives here.